7 lessons I learned after a failed marriage.

(This was written in November, 2018)

This is the first time ever i write about my experience in marriage.

I’m divorced.

It’s probably the most uncomfortable topic to discuss for me, cos for the longest time i felt ashamed of what happened. I felt ashamed that i could not last a marriage for more than 2 years. The society seems to honor resilience in making marriage work. Even when the marriage not only doesn’t serve us anymore, but also when it fails us and turns us to depression and extreme feeling of self unworthiness.

I felt ashamed because i was so convinced that the person i was with was the right one. We went against all of the odds of a long distance relationship, endured endless arguments with family members who discouraged our relationship because of our background differences, and much more — to fight for our chances to be together. We loved each other so much that we were blind.

At least for me, i was so obsessed to make the relationship work and to prove people who doubted us wrong.

In hindsight, i know that i wasn't really in love with the person.

I was in love with the idea of the person.

I was too busy proving people wrong.

(Lesson 1, love someone as how they are now. Not how they could be. Lesson 2, love someone for the right reason. Not out of your fears or obsessions)

When we actually got married, we encountered a lot of problems that we previously didn’t anticipate. There was a lot of things that manifested from how different we view the world. Values that we hold dear towards family, relationship, friendship, career, financial, and most importantly, spiritual. All of the fundamental pillars that makes or breaks a marriage apparently weren’t aligned. And the worse part was we weren’t able to communicate to resolve issues. For the most part, he was emotionally unavailable for me. Whenever we had arguments, he would just brush it off and told me it was all in my head. It was trivial.

I was like, "How could I be so blind?"
I realized i was in a wrong place with a wrong person. I’m not saying that he’s a bad guy, he’s actually a nice guy — i could see him making another girl very happy.

It’s just not me.

(Lesson 3, prior to making a big commitment, make sure you both have the same life vision, and have aligned principal values)

In the first semester of our marriage, things were really tough. I thought it was the adjustment period, we were married now, of course things would be different. However i wonder what people were referring to as the honeymoon period. It was more like a hell period for me. We had arguments every single day and never really resolved them. We would yell at each other, get frustrated, and resent one another. I constantly felt like i wanted to give up my marriage, cos of the constant pain i had to endure. There was clearly something wrong with my marriage.

I obviously tried to communicate this to my ex and asked him if we can resolve this as a couple. Interestingly, he denied that we had a ‘real' problem despite our constant frustrations and disappointments. Either he genuinely didn’t see the problem or incapable of comprehend what the problem was, or he was in denial.
After i got to know his family more, i understand it was probably not the latter. He’s used to see how his parents argue and get constantly frustrated at each other, display a lot of resentments, but still stuck with each other in a marriage despite sleeping in separate rooms for years. He probably had internalized that a dysfunctional family is still a family. Resentments are normal. Sleeping in separate rooms are normal.

Despite that, he could’ve done something about our situation. Even if he seriously didn’t see the problem, out of love and respect, he could’ve taken the matter seriously and at least try to fix it together as a couple.

He chose not to.

(Lesson 4, most of the times, your upbringing reflects who you are. The 5 closest people reflect things you like and tolerate. Get to know your partner's family, and 5 closest friends. If you can see them as people who you'd want to be surrounded with, it's a good sign)

I don’t want to make it sound like it was all his fault that our marriage failed. To be honest, i could be a really difficult woman to deal with. I wasn’t aware of my personal issues, I put it on him to make me happy. Because i had made a big sacrifice to move countries for him, I had massive expectations for him to compensate my sacrifice. I failed to take responsibility of my own happiness.

I was keeping score. Not only it was ridiculous, it was also the source of my suffering.

(Lesson 5, keeping scores with your partner shows resentment. You have to be able to communicate and try to find the root cause of the resentment and work together as a couple to find solution)

Growing up in a broken home family, where both of my parents didn’t seem to want me, i struggled to find a sense of belonging. There was a lot of times where i felt lonely and unwanted as a child. No one was really there for me to connect. Naturally, i grew to be independent and not to rely on anyone but myself. Repeatedly i was let down by my expectations of a family. People who supposedly my guardians mistakenly abused me verbally and physically for disciplinary actions. I learned that the only way to protect myself is to build high walls and to be distant from people.

Moving to a new country where I had nothing familiar with was even more brutal for my struggle to find a sense of belonging. I underestimated the pain of loneliness.

I probably had carried the pain as well throughout my marriage.

I failed to understand that my situation was a result of my own decision. Of course I couldn’t foresee what was going to happen — but I was too busy feeling like a victim that it made me feel like I was entitled to whine and constantly felt sorry for myself.

Eventually I came to realize that I cannot demand others to make me happy. I should take the ownership to make myself happy.

I knew we both were extremely unhappy in the marriage that it became toxic. I knew that it would do no good to anyone to stay resentful and angry. I knew I should claim responsibility of my own life, and my own happiness.

So I filed for a divorce.

(Lesson 6, I just have to accept of what is, and not what could've been. Of course i can't control things around me, but i can always control my respond to those things.
Lesson 7, your happiness is your own responsibility. No one can do it for you)

Looking back, I’m honestly really grateful for the experience. It was an expensive lesson — but I wouldn’t want to have it any other way.

Update: Almost 2 years after the divorce, i met my boyfriend. If it wasn’t for what i had gone through, i don’t think i would ever meet him the way we met. :-)