Becoming.

I don't know where I should start. It has been a while since the last time I wrote something in my journal. I was reading a book to put me to sleep, though the book instead kept me up with thoughts running in my head now.

I was reading Becoming by Michelle Obama. Gw suka banget cara dia menceritakan pengalamannya. Kecenderungan perfeksionisnya, ambisinya, dan kekuatannya dia sebagai perempuan, gw bisa relate banget. Cara berpikirnya dia, resonates well with me. I can relate to how she thinks, dan cara menulisnya juga eloquent banget, fresh, and entertaining, udah kaya baca novel saking enak banget alurnya. Ada part dimana dia membahas mengenai perbedaan perspektif antara dia dan Barack mengenai pernikahan.

I was intrigued. Partly because I had this discussion with my ex. Coming from totally different family backgrounds, languages, and cultures, we understood that we viewed marriage differently. Gw ga dateng dari keluarga yg penuh cinta kasih, heck, orang tua gw bercerai waktu gw berumur 2 tahun. But I grew up with my grandparents who, despite their massive differences, managed to stay together for more than 50+ years, until today. Indonesian culture also believes that it is normal to stay together in an unhappy marriage for the rest of your lives - getting a divorce is frowned upon, as it is being single when you’re 30+. It is almost a given that you need to get married, build a family, and stay together - despite feeling unfulfilled. It is just one of those things you have to do to feel ‘complete’ as a human being. 
My ex, on the other hand, comes from a place where it is much more practical to not get married. You can be fully committed to someone, have children, and forever be girlfriend-boyfriend. There is no real benefit of marriage, it is merely seen as a symbol, a set of paperwork, but nothing deeper than that. The union in itself - is enough.

There is no right or wrong. As Michelle said in the book, we are a product of how we were raised, and what we got exposed to growing up. Despite the differences, we also found a lot in common. We would spend hours nightly talking to each other after work, and never get bored. We were in love - and drawn to each other. There were moments where I thought he would propose to me, but he never did. We couldn’t really settle our cultural differences, which were still hanging in the background, and we just stopped talking about things that we could not resolve, which was a recipe for a bigger problem. We dated for over a year, until we both grew apart.

I have been single for a while now - and not rushing myself to go back to a relationship. I’m actually pretty content with how things are in my life right now. I am now much more comfortable in my own skin. The most drastic change in me (post my career break earlier this year) is that I feel okay letting go of control, more and more. I explain myself less to people - and if they misunderstand me, I'm okay too. I don’t owe anyone explanations.