I was looking for a voice as I was voiceless.
I'm Ajeng.
For the most part of my life, I never feel like I’m enough. It has been quite a journey for me to be grateful of where i am, things i have achieved, and relationships i have maintained. It doesn’t come naturally to me to be an optimistic or in my terms i sometimes (mis)take optimism with naive thinking. I used to believe that the world is a cruel place to live. And life is only a series of struggles.
Interestingly enough, things that typically would make me feel satisfied is when I disprove my own negativity with achieving things i didn’t think i deserve.
And in a lot of cases, when i also come out winning at something, after people tell me I can’t.
I got severely bullied when i was young. Not by my peers at school, i felt my struggles in childhood rooted from how my family disciplined me. They thought they were doing their best if they achieved a well-mannered kid who blindly followed what they said.
As i got older, i know they only meant well. They didn’t know any better. They thought they were doing the right thing. Living in a society where communal values were more important than anything else, — even at cost of a child’s self worth, — they were conditioned to believe it was the right thing. As any other conservative family would.
I grew up holding back unresolved issues. Some things that i didn’t dare to voice. I was avoiding conflicts. It’s almost as if I had a switch to turn on an invisible wall whenever i felt hurting. I chose to ignore. I chose to be deaf to hurting things that were said. I chose to feel numb.
That became my coping mechanism.
I wasn’t exactly a rebel in a way that I would do irresponsible things, I was called a rebel for questioning things that people would accept. I got challenged a lot, and as a little kid who had less power than adults, my response to it became to curate inputs. And i would just ignore the rest.
From what i can collect from memories, i was a pretty silent kid who only pretended to be a cheerful extrovert at school. My academic was the only thing that kept me going. It gave me energy, it gave me focus. In hindsight, I'm really thankful that was what i chose to focus my energy on.
When people said things that were hurtful to me, i found strength in getting the top grades and proving people wrong.
People’s bad mouths became my greatest fuel to progress.
This behavior of my 8 year old self is still carried to this day. I know i am no longer that little kid who would cry silently at night in her bedroom when she felt helpless. I'm no longer that little kid who wished someone would stand up for her and gave her her voice.
I have my voice now.
I am way more confident than my insecurities would tell me. i have achieved things i didn't think i could.
Though, I'm still continously learning how to be my biggest supporter, instead of my biggest critic.
I know it isn't easy, and i still have a long way to go.
But i know ways to engineer the mindset. Not through motivations, but through continous motions. Even when i don't feel like it, i move forward. I try to always face problems head on, and be done with them as soon as possible. That feels much better than procrastination, when i know the problems still hanging behind the scene. (I think this mindset also influenced my direct communication. I don't have the best diplomatic communication as i tend to 'rush' addressing problems. I'm working on this too)
Motions also mean getting enough exercise to achieve clarity. Getting enough nutrients to help me engineering my mood. (Though at times i reach out for alcohol or junk comfort food - as I'd like to call it as a form of "self care" and giving myself a needed break)
I'd like to believe that I have evolved a lot vs. My last year's self.
Vs. My 3 years ago self,
Vs. my 5 years ago self,
Vs. my 10 years ago self,
Vs. my 8 year old self..
And though ironically i like to prep myself by imagining the worst scenarios, i would like to think of myself as being a bit more optimistic than i used to be.
Bring it on, life.
