Resolving conflicts.
Instagram algorithm is unbelievably accurate in reading users behavior. This morning I woke up and reached out to my phone while I was still in bed, checking my notifications on Instagram like a lot of us do, and of course got distracted by the feed for longer than I originally planned to. I saw a post by Dr. Ramani Durvasula, where she did an episode of Red Table Talk with Will Smith. Of course I then proceed to click on her profile and after consuming some of videos on IGTV she posted, I then clicked on the link tree she provided on her bio.
I watched the Red Table Talk eps she posted, on Facebook video (nope, didn’t get out of FB universe to move platforms to YouTube), it was a 30-something-min video, but I watched the entire thing while I was still in my PJ’s. Saturday brunch is canceled, I’d rather take longer time in bed. This episode is very interesting.
(I’ve seen another video of Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith previously, when they discussed a very heavy topic, their marriage issues, where I thought they both were very, VERY mature in handling them. I had never seen anyone openly discussing such a heavy topic in a very civilized and calm manner, without losing empathy and kindness. But that’s another video. Long story short, I have a certain respect to Will Smith and so when Facebook recommended me this video about “Resolving conflict” I had to watch it).
Will had a feud with Janet Hubert (the original Aunt Viv on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air) for 30 years, and the episode is how they could finally reconcile.
I have to say it was rather an intense discussion, even to watch it behind the screen, I could feel the emotions that the two had when they were trying to talk things out. I think I cried halfway through the video (you can watch it here).
It was really beautiful to see them finally resolved their issues, and looking at them hugging each other at the end, I could feel a massive burden lifted up from their chest, evaporated, and replaced with love and compassion. Ahh.. the power of hug.
The show then continued to Dr. Ramani and Will discussing the reconciliation process, and what can be learned from it. Both Janet and Will had said hateful things towards each other, they both hurt and got hurt, but what’s beautiful about the reconciliation is that Will didn’t deny her experience about what happened, he listened to her and acknowledged his role in the experience, instead of trying to sell his own narratives or what he experienced instead through his lens. He held space for her to really share what she was going through. I think that’s beautiful… and inspire me to hopefully be able to do the same thing to others.
(After lunch my brain just switched to Bahasa)
Will menyadari saat dia mulai berantem sama Janet, dia masih muda banget, baru 21 tahun, ga punya consciousness. Apa yang dia lakukan saat itu, dia lakukan dengan ambisi untuk menjadi yang terbaik. He wanted to be the biggest star, and wouldn’t let anything in the way.
Ternyata situasi dengan Janet on the set ng-trigger perasaan unsafety Will. Setelah dibahas lebih lanjut oleh Dr. Ramani yang memfasilitasi proses refleksi tersebut, terungkap bahwa masa kecil Will ga menyenangkan. Bapaknya abusive dan suka mukulin ibunya waktu dia kecil ngebuat dia ngerasa powerless dan hopeless. Akhirnya Will tumbuh menjadi anak yang berusaha keras untuk selalu bikin orang lain ketawa, termasuk bapaknya. Dia percaya, kalau dia bisa entertain bapaknya, maka bapaknya akan stop mukulin ibunya.
He was seeking for approval from others to feel safe.
Maka saat dia tau Janet merasa terganggu dengan personality Will yang ga pernah nanggepin segala sesuatu dengan serius (Janet datang dari Broadway, dimana dia harus kerja sangat keras untuk bisa berkarir di dunia hiburan), Will merasa terancam, karena itu mengganggu sense of safety-nya.
He needed to feel approved by everyone.
Ini menjadi menarik buat gw, karena ngebuat gw juga jadi mempertanyakan tentang what constitutes as a safety feeling for myself. Apa trigger dari masa kecil gw yang mempengaruhi cara gw bersikap terhadap orang lain? Yang gw tau, setiap kali gw merasa gelisah atau stress hebat, itu biasanya datang dari perasaan “not doing what I’m supposed to do”.
Waktu gw kecil, gw cuma kenal sama kewajiban. Gw ga bisa comprehend apa artinya ‘hak’ atau ga pernah merasa gw ‘entitled’ for something. I always had to earn it. Itu kebawa sampe gede, kalau ada orang yang terlalu baik sama gw, gw akan merasa ga nyaman, gw akan merasa kalo orang itu ga genuine. Gw cenderung menolak bantuan orang lain, apalagi di luar professional setting. Bahkan kalo ada sodara menawarkan bantuan, hingga hari ini, gw selalu berusaha untuk ‘membayar’ bantuan tersebut, one way or another. Seringkali gw bayar dengan uang juga, supaya gw merasa ga merepotkan orang lain. Padahal mungkin ga gitu juga maksudnya.
Tapi gw juga yang membiasakan hal tersebut. Gw ga bisa menerima bantuan orang just as it is. Sebisa mungkin gw ga mau merepotkan orang lain. Gw ga suka merasa ‘utang budi’ sama orang lain. It reminds me of the feeling of inadequacy that I had throughout my childhood. I struggled with that a lot.
Banyak hal yang terjadi di hidup gw, dan ga ada waktu yg lebih tepat untuk ‘berbenah’ selain sekarang. Walaupun gw yakin ini adalah sebuah proses panjang vs. a one-off thing, tapi gw beneran harus mulai fokus sama diri gw sendiri, and not super consumed by what others told me about what I am ‘supposed to do’.
Intuitively, hal selanjutnya yang ingin gw tulis adalah tentang goal gw selanjutnya. Apa yang gw harapkan dari waktu yang gw pakai sekarang. Apa agendanya? Apa outcome-nya? But lol, that is exactly what has been consuming my life. What life is supposed to look like.
Untuk pertama kalinya, gw akan belajar untuk mengambil nafas panjang. Dan membebaskan diri gw dari “supposed to be’s”
Setidaknya untuk saat ini.
