Why it’s healthy to take a step back.
I’m sitting at a coffee shop, having my breakfast and my caffeine dose for the day. I brought my laptop with me — as I planned to continue on my online course that I hadn’t finished after months. I got busy with work, adjusting mainly, and even though I feel like I have made progress in my new job now, I feel like I have very little to show for when it comes to my own progress.
Wait, after 2 seconds i think that is not entirely true. I have put myself out there more and more now. I created content, even during the days I didn’t feel like it. I showed up and did some IG live streaming sessions, and showed my vulnerabilities publicly online about topics that matter to me (mindfulness and career development), something I wouldn’t do in the past.
So yeah, I guess I’m making progress. In a way. I became bolder, in a different way. I accepted myself more.
A lot has happened in the past few months. I am now staying in Bali — for the most part, it does wonders for my well being. Just being able to be outdoors — beach and mountain are so accessible to me here. And the place where I stay at is relatively quiet — I can work and meditate in peace.
I’m not seeing anyone in Bali, that is not the reason why I am here. I don’t intend to stay single nor intend to be in a relationship any time soon. I just let things be.
My parents have expressed their concerns whenever we are on a video call. I guess I can understand where they come from. They associate being married to a feeling of completion, as if it was an achievement. Vice versa, it’s almost an embarrassment if you are still single when you are in your mid 30’s.
I listened to their concerns, but it didn’t make me feel offended or feel like I needed to defend my way of living.
I took their inputs as a signal that they care, and they want the best for me.
And that’s about it. I choose not to listen to the words crafted, even though the way they craft the wording could hurt me a few years ago, I choose to listen to the main message instead,
“I care about you, and I want the best for you”
Funnily enough, as I think of it right now, there is a couple who is sitting next to me currently arguing. I can see how they are frustrated with each other.
They pick each other’s words, and use the words to reply and back up their arguments to make a stronger case for “how can you say that, it should be this.” “you are not really getting the point, what I was referring to was this”
When you are not in the argument and just observe it from the outside, it is easy for you to observe how most arguments are actually a game of words — who gets to say more, who gets to say louder, who makes better points — backed up by ‘facts’ that you lay out as the only truth, etc.
Unfortunately, it is difficult to separate yourself from the words that are being said to you when you are in the argument. Soon you get frustrated and act out of your frustrations. You might say harmful, irreversible things to each other.
This is a good realization, and a reminder, how helpful it is to take a step back.
To not overly get in the weed of the argument itself,
and instead take it as a data point — what is this signaling?
Where did this frustration come from?
What needs does this person have that are not being met?
They are escalating a concern.
Most people don’t just wake up one day and decide to annoy us with arguments.
Understand their true intention, their truest concern, and it might be more productive to ask clarifying questions to confirm what it is that they are trying to get across, than making harmful assumptions and reacting based on your assumptions.
(I did it a lot in the past — and still doing it from time to time, but it’s good to be mindful)
Don’t rush yourself into an unnecessary argument next time you find yourself disagreeing with someone.
Take a step back.
